It's a beautiful day for a run. The sun is up there but gently staying behind the clouds. The wind is calm enough that I'm not sure if there's any wind at all or if it's just the breeze caused by my running. I'm not running very fast, probably an 8min/mile pace, so there must be some wind. Or maybe I'm running faster than I think. I don't run with a watch and I don't track my miles, so there is a lot of guessing when it comes to my pace and distances. Which I don't think is a bad thing. I really enjoy running, more long distances than short, I'm not entirely sure of the reason for this but I think I feel like I accomplish something worthwhile if I can run long distances while short distance courses seem more like a flash in the pan. I mean the first real foot race that I volunteered for was the Portland Marathon in 2008. I didn't have a watch then when I trained and I'm not even sure how long my longest run was before stepping to the start line four years ago. Actually, I didn't get to step up to the start line. It was more of a slow jog through the start and only after like ten miles did it start spreading out. Marathon starts, unless you are at the front, is the epitome of bottle neck traffic.
Anyway, I never ran with a watch since. Let me rephrase that, I never ran consistently with a watch since. And about six marathons later I find myself still without one. But I suppose I'm trying to get more serious for this year's Eugene marathon. I hate to use the phrase "get serious" because how serious can amateur marathon racers get? Oh oh, I know they can get really serious when it comes to training, equipment, and race day rituals, but I don't want to be like that. The reason I love running is because of its simplicity. And that isn't the definition of what I think serious means. I think serious just means that you're willing to do anything to get something done and I want to run hard and get a good time this year. I am serious about this. But I realize that it's hard to improve your race time when you're going out without a plan and taking things in stride, which is how I train and in essence how I live. Like today, I didn't know how long I was going out for. I don't carry water and I don't plan routes that have water fountains. I just run and keep running till I get tired. Today it took me something like two hours to get tired. I approximate that I went for about 15-16 miles and I'm pretty sure I left at 9:10 and came back around 11…or maybe a little before….or after? Shit. This is what I'm talking about. I'm very imprecise and I know that I'm not going to get the time I want in this year's Eugene marathon if I keep training like this. But it's tough to change.
I am starting to think that this imprecision is part of who I am. Even during university I was like this when it came to my classes. I knew that with the level of academic talent that I have, I wouldn't be able to be in the very top of the class. But I also knew that if I used my strength of endurance (which I did not know was a strength until I started university) and put in the hours sitting on my ass and studying, I could get a good to a very good grade no matter the subject. And this turned out to be true. I regularly outperformed many students who are probably more naturally academically gifted than I.
So I leaned on my freakish endurance and as little of my talent as possible to get by. (Why so little talent usage? It's hard to wake up and solidify talent. You may be naturally good at something but you have other talents. Many more. They're sleeping and are a bitch to wake up.) Hell, I even used it in basketball games. My friends and I would play at the U of O Rec Center all the time and I would just run around in circles till I lost my guy, asked for the ball, and shot threes. Many of which went in because I would be so wide open. Don't take my cockiness the wrong way. I was in no way one of the better players on my team but I knew my role and I did it well (being on fire on the court is a real thing, there were nights when I could not miss). Regardless, my endurance also proved to be good for passing exams and finishing marathons. But I found that I tend to do poorly when the goal I want is above the threshold of my endurance/minimal talent combo. For instance, say I was playing on a different basketball team other than my usual team and they expect me to do different things such as handling the ball or rebounding. I suddenly can no longer rely of my endurance and strength in shooting and have to tap into other less developed skills. Situations like this usually end up badly. Luckily, I rarely find situations where that threshold is breached. But what I want to say is that after a few experiences like this, I should probably get an Ah-ha! moment and start developing those other skills rather than continually relying on my endurance. Going further with the basketball example, after a few bad games I should probably start developing my dribbling, passing, and rebounding skills so that when I play with strangers I don't suck. I probably won't ever be a great rebounder but I could have at least developed it to my personal maximum instead of letting it sit idle near empty. But I didn't buckle down and practice my dribbling, passing, and rebounding. I just shrugged off the bad games and looked forward to playing with my buds again. This happened with running marathons, too. I shrugged off bad races and just keep looking forward to future races thinking that it would be better. This is probably why I have so many "this is my last marathon" marathons. But this mentality is not going to help me. I have to develop other skills, tap into my talent pool…I need to focus.
If I keep training like I do for marathons, I know that I'll probably finish in about 3.5 hours no matter what my goal time is. But I want to run faster than that. I want to do better. No more relying on future races to keep my hopes alive. I need to perform now. I'm not talentless, I have good endurance, and my focus is slowly awakening. It's easy for me to think this or write about this but it's a whole different animal if I'm going to get up and do it. But I am. This isn't just another marathon. It's a test to see if I can change. Can I go above and beyond what I think my threshold is? Am I willing to be humble enough to identify my flaws and focus enough to strengthen them? I have no idea. I've failed to completely change for many years now, will anything be different this time? Maybe. Who knows? But I do know that if I'm able to get through what I think is my threshold, I'll come out the other side changed. No, I'm not going to pop out as a butterfly or anything but I know I won't go back. I don't have a drain is what I'm trying to say. Once I get the level higher, it's not falling down.
Yeah, I could get injured and come up short of my goal. But I'll know if I coasted or not and that's good enough for me. This is my last push…for a lot of things and if I do coast again, I'll know that this is probably something that I'll never be able to overcome.
